Classic Hope(s) by: Jim Price SEP 2003

ON TURNING 70 - "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 - "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 - "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING - "I ruined my hands in the ring... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS - "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR - "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."